Bow ViewI’m a 55 year old woman who owns her own business, has children and grandchildren…and I need to quit drinking.  This is my story…

It’s a Sunday afternoon and I am at work…I’m always at work.  When you live where you work, you’re ALWAYS at work.  I’m hungover, even though I promised myself yesterday that I wouldn’t drink any wine…but then…some friends showed up.  They didn’t drink.  In fact, they didn’t know I was drinking as I hid it in my office while they sat in my restaurant where we all sipped on tea.  So then I would steal away for a moment or two…oh the phone is ringing…or let me check on that fact on Google…I felt compelled to drink…as I always do…it makes me more “interesting” don’t you know?!  Most anything compels me to drink…always has.

I was born to an alcoholic.  It makes you wonder why you would continue the cycle, but as impressionable children, we learn patterns, we learn to live with what we know, so that is what happened to me and to two of my brothers.  We repeated the same self-destructive behaviors…at least the addictive substance part of them…I sure as hell didn’t repeat the behaviors she displayed with her children…sleeping with her sons, beating her children, berating them, verbally and emotionally scarring them for life.  My sister, though certainly not untouched by the battle that was our childhood, got out before it got to its worst point.  My oldest brother…well he was special…he grew to be a loving and wise man…taken too young by diabetes.  Anyway…I digress.  There is a song whose lyrics I would like to post here because they so strongly reflect how I feel about the cycle I have been on:

Gotta get off, gonna get, have to get off from this ride
Gotta get hold, gonna get, need to get hold of my pride
When did I get, where did I
How was I caught in this game
When will I know, where will I
How will I think of my name When did I stop feeling sure, feeling safe
And start wondering why, wondering why
Is this a dream, am I here, where are you
What’s in back of the sky, why do we cry Gotta get off, gonna get, out of this merry-go-round
Gotta get off, gonna get, need to get on where I’m bound
When did I get, where did I, why am I lost as a lamb
When will I know, where will I, how will I learn who I am
Is this a dream, am I here, where are you
Tell me, when will I know, how will I know
When will I know why?

1967 – Andre and Dore Previn – sung by Dionne Warwick
These are the lyrics to the theme song of the Valley of the Dolls and it really does quite adequately reflect the need to “STOP THE WORLD, BECAUSE I WANT TO GET OFF!”  I don’t know how I got here, but I now know just how badly I need to get out of where I am at…emotionally…mentally…and physically.
And I want to share that journey…with you.
So now, this is my commitment to myself, my daughter, my grandchildren and even to you…It really is time to get off of this ride.  Time to embrace a healthier future…hopefully a long future…and spend it awake and aware and learning and living…not glued to an office chair hiding a glass of wine on a shelf behind my desk.  No more…it ends today.