In Leaving Las Vegas, Nicolas Cage’s character drinks himself to death…is that what I’m doing? I mean, there are days when I drink all day long, while I’m working running my business. Sometimes I wish I would just fail…maybe then I could stop this ridiculousness. How can a seemingly sane, intelligent, capable woman such as myself keep repeating such self destructive behavior? Why can’t I just say no? I have some really good days. Days that I feel great and I get up early and get outside and take long walks…I might have one drink at night…but some sort of switch goes off eventually and I just tank. We all have lots of variables I suppose…mine are a business that sucks the life out of me and husband that I don’t have any desire to be with anymore. My daughter keeps telling me to pack a bag and go to her place. Live with her while I figure it all out. But at 55 I have no desire to start over. Everything I have is invested in this business. So I go on. I keep reading stuff…blogs and self-help shit and how to change habits and AA material and books by women who quit drinking (all of our stories are the same – just change the names). Today I actually printed out a flow chart on how to change a habit. It’s fucking insane! I am not a stupid woman…so why do I continue to repeat such stupid behavior?
I keep thinking…if I just had a day of rest, you know? A day where I wasn’t in my office or my store (did I mention I own a liquor store?) or my restaurant…a day where I could walk all day in the woods, sleep when I wanted, NOT take phone calls and make decisions and answer endless questions and make the same, small, inane conversation over and over again.
My god…I’ve become a whiner!
So I send out a cry today, because today is not a good day. Today is one of those frustrating, over the top, can’t seem to get my shit together, feel like a failure, days. So if someone could send out some good vibes to the universe…or send a big slap in the face to me…that would be awesome.