On being my mother incarnate.  I am  56 years old now and I have been a drinker my entire life.  I mean…there have been moments…years even…where I have not been a drinker.  When I was pregnant and after I had my daughter, I didn’t drink for several years.  I have stopped in between times for months at a time, but in the last 10 years, I have never stopped.  When I need to most…right now…I have reached a wall of uncaring.  I know…the intelligent part of me knows…that I must stop or I will kill myself with this.  But that doesn’t seem to be enough.  Why isn’t that enough?  I’m not a stupid woman…or perhaps I am?  I work all day, 7 days a week, I run a successful business, but bit by bit, I seem to be falling apart…little pieces at a time…and baby stepping into oblivion.  I put everything off…nothing seems to matter…I am never present in the moment.  And someone always NEEDS something.  I am turning into my mother.  Do for everyone else, but never take care of yourself.  And when you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of the ones you love.  I don’t want to be my mother.  I couldn’t stand her…and yet…here I am.  If I write every day, will that help?  Can I create a new habit at this age?  Can I change at this age?  God, I hope so.  It’s the only thought that keeps me going.